Understanding the Dual Control Model: Creating Space for Intimacy
Desire can feel unpredictable. Sometimes it flows effortlessly, while other times it seems distant, even in relationships built on care and trust. The Dual Control Model of sexual response offers a helpful framework for understanding these fluctuations and creating more space for intimacy. Developed by researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen, this model explains sexual response as the result of two interacting systems: accelerators, which increase sexual arousal, and brakes, which inhibit it. Everyone’s system is unique. Some people have highly sensitive accelerators, responding quickly to emotional or physical cues, while others have more sensitive brakes, pausing desire in response to stress, distraction, or perceived threats. Understanding this balance can shift the way we view desire—from something that is “broken” when it feels inconsistent, to something that is carefully regulated by our nervous system.
Accelerators are the cues that naturally spark desire. They can be emotional, physical, or situational. Feeling emotionally connected to a partner, engaging in playful or novel experiences, enjoying touch without pressure, or having uninterrupted private time can all enhance arousal. For many people, emotional closeness and feeling appreciated or desired are the most powerful accelerators. Learning to recognize what sparks desire, and communicating this with a partner, can help intimacy feel more fluid and responsive rather than forced or stressful.
Brakes, on the other hand, are signals from our nervous system that protect us when something feels unsafe or overwhelming. Stress, fatigue, feeling rushed or pressured, unresolved conflict, body shame, or past negative experiences can all activate brakes and reduce sexual desire. These responses are not a reflection of attraction or love, but a protective mechanism designed to keep us safe. Recognizing what triggers your brakes, and working to reduce these stressors—through emotional connection, communication, or stress management—can create a safer space for desire to emerge.
In real life, differences in partners’ accelerators and brakes can create misunderstandings. For example, one partner may feel ready for intimacy after a long day as a way to connect, while the other may have brakes activated by stress, fatigue, or unresolved arguments. Similarly, one partner might respond quickly to playful touch or flirtation, while the other only feels desire after extended emotional closeness. These discrepancies are common and not a sign of a lack of love or attraction. Understanding that each partner’s desire system operates differently allows couples to approach intimacy with empathy, reducing pressure, blame, or frustration. It also opens the door to strategies like gradual connection, prioritizing emotional closeness first, or learning each other’s “accelerator languages” to create a mutually satisfying sexual experience.
It’s also important to understand that not all desire is spontaneous. Some people experience what is called responsive desire, which emerges after intimacy, emotional closeness, or physical touch has begun. This pattern is completely normal, yet it is often misunderstood. Recognizing responsive desire allows partners to approach intimacy with patience and curiosity rather than pressure, creating an environment where closeness naturally leads to desire rather than forcing desire to appear on demand.
Fostering intimacy through the Dual Control Model is less about trying to “fix” desire and more about cultivating understanding and safety. By reducing brakes and nurturing accelerators, couples can create conditions where closeness, trust, and presence take precedence, allowing desire to emerge organically. Recognizing that desire fluctuates with stress, hormones, sleep, and life circumstances encourages compassion toward oneself and one’s partner, turning intimacy into a shared experience rather than a source of frustration.
Our clinician, Sarah Mittelsteadt, recently led a comprehensive speaker series on the Dual Control Model and how understanding brakes and accelerators can enhance intimacy. You can watch the full video today here, or book a session with one of our experienced sex therapists to explore this topic personally and build more space for connection in your relationship.